by Rebecca E. Webber
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​"This is an imminently practical workbook that shows a variety of invaluable techniques to get centered, calm and organized. An effective and enjoyable guide to help you feel in charge of yourself." -- Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., Renowned trauma expert, author & psychiatrist

by Rebecca E. Webber
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​Through the small amount of research I have been conducting over the past few days I have learned quite a bit, but mostly about what is not possible or not happening. From this video I learned that even several weeks ago when numbers weren’t so high and concentrated, it was already difficult to get a priest in to give Last Rites. I was also made aware that families cannot touch and say goodbye to their loved ones who are infected which is having a devastating impact on those left behind. Here in Washington State we already have a ban on funerals. As of 3 days ago the BBC was reporting that all of Ghana has gone into mourning. 

All of this has me thinking, with a collapsing social structure, what will be done in the short term to meet these needs and also how will this sift death rituals in our societies forever? I have been reaching out to funeral experts who say they are not yet sure what will come next, but something has to. I asked them what new traditions are taking over and within the last day I have been told that nothing has really taken hold yet, but an attempt towards virtual services is being made. A new friend of mine who is an operations manager at a local synagogue shared with me that the virtual community gatherings that she is already facilitating are in part being hosted to get people comfortable with connecting in that way. She anticipated losing more members to the virus, as they have already lost one member, and she wants everyone to be comfortable with Zoom and the like for when they have to start hosting memorials electronically. Here is an article about how this is already taking shape in California - Death during a pandemic: virtual shiva and funerals without mourners. 

I was taught by the funeral directors that currently the fear is surrounding safety and proper handling of the bodies which require additional photographic documentation due to no next-of-kin being able to identify them and witness where they get buried or cremated. Everything is still very mathematical, strategic and impersonal which makes sense because there is just no other way right now. At this point there is more concern about keeping people alive, not about the dead and their communities. But the directors were hopeful that a combination of new virtual traditions and the possibility of hosting gatherings at a later date would be sufficient. I have been speaking to green or natural death service providers and I am inspired to think about all of the possibilities available. There are so many ways to honor the dead and in the West we are just getting started down the road to creating ceremonies that we truly benefit from. There is a lot to learn from each other and this is as good as time as any to take by our end of life traditions, move away from Victoriana options that don’t usually allow people proper grieving anyway and move forward to a better relationship with death and loss. Here is a great Tedx Talk where Claire and Ru discuss the beautiful experiences they have been creating for people - Death, grief, ritual and radical funerals | Claire & Rupert Callender | TEDxTotnes

Along with the change in funeral traditions, I keep thinking about how inevitable the PTSD following this collective trauma appears to be. If people do not have healthy ways to express their feelings, especially fear and loss, there will be long term consequences. How we navigate these times as one human family is going to make all the difference to how we remember it. I have hope because people are often resilient and creative, adaptable in the worst of times. If we can come together, create new traditions and honor our experiences we just might be alight in some ways even though we can never bring back those we will lose. 

I don’t know exactly what will happen next, mostly because I am new to this subject but also because no one really knows much about anything right now. What I am sure of though is that there are a lot of wonderful people right now who are doing everything they can to provide dignity to the dying and support for those left behind because that is what they do, it is what they have done and will continue to do. As for me, I will continue to watch what happens, talk to my current contacts as well as make more and maybe create more content. I have thought about hosting a group chat with various people from this industry. I have also thought of hosting some sort of online non-denominational service of my own for those grieving so I became a certified minister. Only time will tell.
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If you have any thoughts on this subject, would like to be in the future group chat or have resources and answers I can add to this article people email me at RebeccaEWebber@gmail.com.  


Special Thanks

Claire & Ru from The Green Funeral Company
Rosie from The Natural Death Center
Morgan at Kadima Reconstructionist Community


Further Readings

Why we need end-of-life rituals
Five death rituals to give you a new view on funerals
Coronavirus is posing special challenges for those trained to help the dying and their families
Grieving alone — coronavirus upends funeral rites
Funerals Must Change In This Time Of Social Distancing
Virtual Memorials | Encyclopedia of Death and Dying ​
Coronavirus: Funeral homes adjust to smaller ceremonies
Death during a pandemic: virtual shiva and funerals without mourners
Virtual Memorials and No Hugs: The Funeral Industry Prepares for Coronavirus

​Fast forward 4 months. At this point I've already decided that I was not going to go back to the first dentist because they said they took my insurance but I still got a huge bill ($350 for the x-rays, cleaning and exam). They told me that they were in my network and the appointment would be covered, but it wasn't. Regardless of all that confusion, I still thought I needed all the work done at this point I was thinking about it all the time.

Eventually I plucked up the courage to call a new dentist and made an appointment, this time for only x-rays and an exam for $19 cash. I went in and even though I didn't have the language myself, they made sense of the fact that I needed a second opinion. They did the x-rays and the dentist comes in, performed the exam and tells me that he can only see one spot that could use repair right away. It was a crack on a back molar. He recommended a filling where as dentist #1 had wanted to do a full crown. Dentist #2 said that in his opinion I didn't have any teeth that would qualify for a crown and he only saw a few other spots where he could do fillings, but they were only dark spots that may never become cavities and I certainly didn't have any cavities at the time. He refereed to himself as a rather conservative dentist and preferred to do as little as possible. 

I was honestly shocked. $3,000+ worth of work vs $112 and I wasn't failing my teeth! Dentist #2 said that my teeth were very healthy, very low risk for any issues. He even showed my my x-rays and explained that my teeth were about as strong as they come. Yes, I have some fillings, but only on the top of my molars which apparently is a very good thing and was inevitable based on the shape of my teeth. Two days later I got a cleaning and a filling so now I'm all up to date for another 6 months!

That long story was basically to explain why I would write a whole article just about my teeth. The truth is I care a lot about my health, teeth included, but I felt like I was doing something wrong when dentist #1 wanted to do all that work, so I didn't want to share my routine. Now that I know that how I take care of my teeth is actually working great, I feel confident sharing my personal recipe for success. Also, now you know that you can get a second opinion and maybe you should!
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